Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
