I got chris browned last night
Small penises have feelings too.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
