hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
