Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
