i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
