I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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