i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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