So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if only i could text you this smell
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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