his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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