For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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