You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
