the condom got lost in my hair
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
