Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
