my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
