The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
