when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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