I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
