when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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