I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
