I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
