If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
