Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
