Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
