omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
