I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
