just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The air taste purple.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
