There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
