Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
