she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
