Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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