Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
