peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
