I bet he comes in French.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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