McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
