you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
