i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
