I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
