I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
