I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
