I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
