Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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