The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize