I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
