She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
