Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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