I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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