Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize