Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
