mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
