It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
