Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize