peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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