i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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