If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
