i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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