Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
