i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
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