pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
