i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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