shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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