there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
