In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
